


State Of Grace

by sereinitea



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Boo Seungkwan is Whipped, Boo Seungkwan/Choi Hansol | Vernon - Freeform, Bottom Boo Seungkwan, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gay Panic, Gay Sex, Jealous Chwe Hansol | Vernon, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Minor Boo Seungkwan/Lee Seokmin | DK, Sassy Boo Seungkwan, Self-Acceptance, Self-Destruction, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Triggers, University Student Boo Seungkwan, i don't know what to tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:34:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23336209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sereinitea/pseuds/sereinitea
Summary: Seungkwan just wanted his life to perfectly be in place. He just wanted everything to be clear and would happen according to plan. Even he himself knows its dull, so fate twists it all and gives him one slap that would change him as time pours.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Choi Hansol | Vernon, Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	1. Will I Get To This Place?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm digging my grave for another novel. This isn't beta'd.

**Seoul, South Korea.**

There certainly isn't exactly anything that surprised me today. Well, except— that. My eyes trailed over to the other side of the road, where the brand new coffee shop stood. That place has been hyped for months! Even I heard of it. Me! A person who doesn't even spend much time on any SNS. I've kinda heard pretty good comments on it. Well, of course— Other than the pretty aesthetic interior and exterior design of it. It's just like your everyday, Seoul normal café. Just new. Hopefully they'll have more variety in their menu. “Here are your orders, sir.” the woman behind the counter tells me, before handing over the two cups of bubble tea I purchased. “Thank you.” I simply mouthed, before leaving the building. Nothing beats bubble tea. I gave the new coffee shop a good glance again, before looking back at the sidewalk and surging forward with my day. I mean, there's typically nothing new. The design just really catches my eye more. 

Funny, how I can hear a vibration better than a ring tone. I dipped my hand inside my back pocket, fishing for my pager. Yes, it's 2020 I know. And I still use one of these. I bought this old thing off the thrift store about a year ago, and honestly— it's way better than my own smartphone. I mean with this, I'll be able to receive messages directly and get alerts on my schedule without getting distracted. I switched my beeper on, and checked the message. “oh, Seokmin.” 

[ Where are you? ] 

I didn't bother to reply. This is already our damn routine, why is he still looking for me? I walked pass the book shop, and swiftly entered the coworking station. I wouldn't want to spend half of my allowance on books again. “Morning, Boo!” Mr. Dae greets me. “Good morning, sir.” I smiled at him, and walks pass the counter. He's the station manager. Been stuck here for nearly eight years. And I've been going here with the gang for the past six years already. I basically live here by now, I even help close sometimes. Nothing that difficult too. My house is just three blocks away anyways. I felt my beeper vibrate again. Ugh. So impatient. Once I got to our table right beside the bookcase, I immediately recognized him. That ass. Does he always have to send me a notification? 

“Hey, Doks.”

“Why weren't you replying to my messages?” of course that's the first thing you'd ask. I rolled my eyes in sass, as I handed him his bubble tea. “If only your messages had sense.” I cheekily told him, sitting across him then taking out my notebooks. Midterms are two and a half weeks away, and I've got a lot of lectures to write. “Hey! Asking your whereabouts has sense. I was going to ask you about that new café.” Dokyeom snipes. “Oh, the place looks good. The structure was aesthetically designed.” I flatly replied, not even sparing him a glance. “Did you check the interior?” he asks, and I just shook my head in denial. Me and Seokmin have been friends since diaper days. Can't even remmeber the last time we were apart. We attended the same schools, and nearly did every thing together. Considering our families are that close-knit. It's been me and him since day one. It's both great and.. Questioning. 

Being in the same sections since kindergarten, 'til college— which is now. We're both architecture students. We joined the glee club together too. It's creepy and amazing in every way, but that's us. Me and Dokyeom all the way. I mean, we have our own gang too. Consisting of me, Dokyeom, Jihoon, Jisoo and Soonyoung. We're all glued to each other, but it's mostly just me and Dokyeom in all our days. “We should go check out that new coffee shop later.” Dokyeom says, breaking the silence. “Sure, let's bring the others later too?” I ask, continuously writing my lectures. “Yeah, that would be fun too. But, I think it'll just be a triple date if we brought them.” And there goes his happy tones. I looked up at him and snickered. This idiot can never really hide anything from me, “Why do you say?” that question just made him stare at me in awe. Like the "what-the-heck" face he usually makes when he finds something senseless. “If we bring those three, they'd bring their dates too. Jihoon with Seungcheol, Jisoo with Jeonghan and of course Soonyoung will probably bring his girlfriend.” he deadpans, and I laughed in amusement. Well, ain't that petty? My best friend is.. Jealous? Annoyed? Or is probably just mad at the world that he's not dating anyone yet. Dokyeom just sighs, and returns his attention to his notebook. “Yeah, you're right. Let's just go without them.” even if I want to take them, Dokyeom will just feel left out again. So, it's best if we go on our own. I took a sip of my bubble tea, whilst eying Seokmin. He can't hide it from me. He doesn't like seeing the "couples". It just makes him feel more uncomfortable than he already is in crowds. I just brush the thoughts away, and return my focus on studying again. 

\- - - 

After an hour or so, I finally finished three subjects. Phew. That was heavy. I raised my arms, and stretched a little— “Kwan, aren't you.. Lonely?” the sudden question startles me. What does he mean? “Lonely? In what context?” I threw the question back. Yep, something is bothering him. “You know what I mean.” he mutters, putting his pen down. I furrowed my eyes at him in confusion, I'm not taking a guess really. My head is just about to pop from all the lectures I wrote. He sensed my silence and sighs again. “In the context of a relationship, Kwan.” he deadpans. Ooh! Now I get it. “nope. I'm not really. Are you?” “Yes, I am.” well, that was a fast reply. How do I even answer to this? I'm just a contented nut. “Don't you miss dating?” He asks again, and I shook my head in denial. I've got no time to deal with that anymore. Unlike before. “Dokyeom, you know what happened to me and Soonyoung. Even with Chaeyoung.” In my entire life. I've only dated two people, my longest was with Chaeyoung. Which was four years, and it didn't end quite well. All because of schedules not meeting. We dated during middle school, and ended things before our junior year. Was pretty hectic really. And a year later, during my senior year. I dated a friend. That's Soonyoung. We dated for more than a year, before we called it quits right before college started. I can't really clearly recall why we parted; must've been because of trust issues, but we're on good terms. Nothing really changed after it. Which makes me really happy about it. I didn't really want out friendship to go down the drain just because we broke up.

“of course I know those. I just.. Don't you miss it all?” Dokyeom asks, this time with a much lower voice tone. “At times, maybe I do. But, you know that I don't dwell on those stuff.” I keep everything balanced. But since college has been a great fuck. I don't think I can date whilst handling my projects and plates. “I miss.. Nayoung.” and of course he does. His ex. “Seokmin, we've been through this. It's been a year.” That breakup was tough as hell for him. It really broke him. Nayoung was the first girl he ever dated. They were together for three years. And how they ended was terrible. Nayoung just suddenly left him with a note. Dokyeom woke up to chaos, and blocked on every SNS account she owned. They never had any closure too. Which killed him even more. I remember one time during our last semester in high school— he nearly didn't make it to the cut of the graduating students because he stopped going to class for nearly a month. I, too, was shut out. It took every goddamn bone in his body for him to let me through to help him.

“I know it's been a year. I just miss having someone.” I couldn't reply. What could I even say? “You'll be able to find someone again, Doks. Just lay low on couples.” Dokyeom just sadly nods, and drinks up his bubble tea. Not much help. “Wanna head off? I'm guessing that coffee shop won't have a long ass line anymore by now.” “Yeah, sure.” 

And I am, Boo Seungkwan. A nineteen year old college student, enrolled in Seoul National University. I live a boring, tragic life. 

\- - -

“I knew they'd be here.” Dokyeom mumbles, as he glances at the group of people right beside us. “Hey, Kwannie!” Soonyoung gingerly calls, as he slides his arms around my neck and pulls me into a nerve-wracking embrace. Ugh, why.. “Didn't know you'd all be here too!” the fakeness in my voice tone was so damn obvious. But, I had to play nice. They're my friends too. Just.. Taken. All of them. “We-ll, Hannie mentioned the café yesterday. So, we all decided to go after class. Sorry we forgot to ping you and Seokmin.” oh it's nothing. “I sent Dokyeom a message earlier. But I don't know if he received it.” Jihoon says, as he loops his arm around Seungcheol's. Damn romance.. “I don't think he did.” Even if he did, he'd avoid it pretty much at all costs. And thank goodness he escaped to find a table of our own too. Jisoo had the warmest smile on his face, and it's all friendly. But I still can't help but feel weird seeing Jeonghan cling to him like that it public. Avoid the tinge of jealousy on my tongue, but I can't deny the fact that I haven't fantasized holding another person's hand. “Jisoo yah, have our orders in take out. We've got to start sketching today.” Jihoon hyung tells him. Thank heavens. I rolled my eyes in relaxation. 

“Good afternoon, sir. What'll be your orders?” 

“One regular white chocolate caramel, and one white coffee latte.” I picked out a few bills from my wallet, just as I remember that I had to save up for a new t-square. Dokyeom broke yet another one, third time in a row. “it'll be served to you sir. Thank you.” I bowed my head a little, before retreating to where Seokmin sat. “So, they're not staying in. To our damn luck.” God, this place is beautiful. I let my eyes wander for a bit, before checking out the front. “Doks, don't you think those black metals are contrasting with the aura of the front?” I mean, I would've used rose gold instead or moonlit. But black is— am I even talking to him? “Dokyeom.” I stated. Yet, he doesn't budge. “Seokmin!” I exclaimed in a much louder tone. He jolts abruptly, from thinking way too deep again. “Uh, oh. Hey! Yeah, yeah? Those do contrast the bright opening.” this idiot. I just rolled my eyes in reply, “Jisoo and the others are taking right off.” I stated, and he just nods. “Uh, I'm going to be picking Hanbyul later.” Oh, right. It's a Wednesday, it's his turn to pick her up. “Okay then, I'll do the drafts first then.” I flatly replied, “Here are your orders, sir.” a waitress quickly appears with a tray crowded with several drinks. She gets our orders correct, I thank her and she immediately moves to another table. “I'll head over to your place later with the snacks. Better set up the television in advance,” wait aren't we drafting for tonight? “Last week's movie night was nearly ruined because you forgot to renew our Netflix subscription!” “Hey, long nose! We've got butt tons of drafts to do! And you're still going on about movie night?” 

I took a sip of my coffee. And I swear this is heaven in my mouth. Creamy just how I like it. “We don't break tradition! So, prioritize it!” he snipes, and I just snarled at him in annoyance. He cheekily smiles, and sips on his coffee. This guy can never be trusted with deadlines. “Boo Seungkwan,” I furrowed my eyes at him, and replied with “What is it this time, Lee Seokmin?” he smiles and responds “You better get a girlfriend or boyfriend again.” excuse— the statement sends me inhaling my drink. I coughed up my coffee, and grabbed a few napkins to cover my mouth and nose. Goddamn it, Dokyeom. The idiot was guffawing, literally. With his eyes perked up like some goblin. “I KUH-KILL YOU—” I choked out. I swear my face has never turned this red since we last had a couple of drinks. “Ya' fucking look like Satan's descendant! Holy fuck—” his screeching laughs— I'll fucking end him. 

Once my damn lungs finally returned to their normal functioning of differentiating air and liquid. I, too finally calmed. “Oh, geez.. That was the best laugh I've had in days.” Seokmin snorts, with his voice going up a few pitches cause of his goddamn laughs. I sent daggers in glares at him, as I weakly drank my coffee. 

He's lucky he's my best friend, if not I would've constructed his death by my own hands. 

\- - - 

After we spent at least an hour in the coffee shop. We went our separate ways. He's gotta pick Hanbyul up, and I've got to buy books. Fuck saving up. My shelves are feeling dull. 

My beeper suddenly vibrates again, making me stop on my tracks. It's getting pretty late too. The ping was from Soonyoung.

[ Movie night later with Seokmin? ]

And here goes my "sometimes I wish I never even accepted him as a friend" as much as I like his company during lonely days on campus. I can't still understand his typical appearances in my life that I don't entirely need. And why do I suddenly feel like I'm being followed? The feeling suddenly kicks in, causing me to spin around to check the perimeters. The lampposts were already switched on, and there weren't that much citizens walking on the sidewalks. Everything was.. Moderate. I just shrug the feeling off, and continued walking.

Once I reached the book shop, the bell on the door jingles. “Good evening, Seungkwan-ssi.” the bookkeeper politely greets. “Good evening, sir.” He was an old man. He and his wife owned this place, it was at its vintage glory which I considered heaven on the earth. This has to be the most peaceful part of the vicinity.

I'm thinking Young Adult fiction again.

It's my only shelf that lacks six more books. I plucked one from the row, which kinda seemed unfamiliar to me. “Holly Bourne.” Might be one of those crappy titles yet has a bomb storyline. But, can also be one of those appealing title, yet has an overly written plot. I glance down over more of her pieces, yet nothing shouted: TAKE ME. Sadly, I retreated and chased another author that may be worth more attention. Just as I moved to the next shelve. Another person had already claimed it for reviewing. Ugh, oh well. “Excuse me.” I say, before passing by him. Let me guess.. I'm settling for David Yoon? I've literally been avoiding this book. It's about an Korean-American kid who lives in the US. And I think there are stereotypical parents? Who headed for their traditional Korean culture. Yet he paths away. I scrunched my nose, giving the cover a good stare. Makes me wonder if I should even spend good bucks on this—

“T—That is a good book.” 

Who? 

I lifted my head, turning to the man who stood right beside me. “Come again?” I asked, the man wore a huge green hoodie. And he didn't really face me, so I definitely couldn't see his face. “That's a good book.” he faintly yet firmly states. Pointing his finger at it. “Oh, you this? I'm really.. Not that much of a huge fan of romance especially in YA.” blatantly saying that could've gone wrong! But, what the hey. It's the truth. “Then that's a good book for starters then.” still pushing it. I mean, I am open for recommendations. So, it wouldn't really hurt to try it out. “T—The description may scream thoughts of "cliché" and minimal twist. But, once you get the hang of it. It's more than just those crappy use of words at the back.” alright.. Why am I having thoughts that this guy is the author? That would be ridiculous. But he's really pushing it. “Like what?” this time I rose a brow at him. “For example, that story has a tinge of stereotyping problems, family issues, for the teens, it's the "coming of age" and having realizations in life. There are a lot more, I just don't really want to spoil it.” Insteresting. This guy.. I furrowed my eyes at him, he pulled my curiosity strings. “Well, then I'll take it. Might as well try it.” I flatly replied. I swear, if this comes out as utter bullshit. I'm going to gun this— “shu—sure. Bye.” the man hurriedly runs off. Immediately exiting the building like some manic would. What the hell? His action startled me, yet I could care less. 

Who was that even? 

I rolled my eyes, and walked over to the counter. “Only one, Seungkwan-ssi?” Mr. Ku heartily questions, causing me to break a smile. “Well, I need to moderate my spendings.” lies. “That kid must've got you to buy this,” it cuts my thoughts. Kid? “The man a while ago?” I ask. “Yes, that young boy is always here at random times of the day. And spends hours reading random pieces here. He often stays at the YA section too.” oh.. How come I've never even seen him here before? Despite him, being a regular? “Oh, I don't think.. I've noticed him before.” I stated. I never really did. “Oh, he's always here. Just huddled in random corners.” now that's creepy. “Thank you, sir. Have a good evening.” “Get home safe.” 

I bade goodbye, before I left. 

Now that guy got my curiosity. How is he always there? I've never even saw him? I'm always there too. I furrow my brows at the thought. “that's weird.” And he wasn't even a man, lol. Just some random kid. 

On my way home, the cold breeze blew. Causing me to shiver on my steps. Home finally. I walked up to the front door, and just as I fished for my keys. My pager vibrates again. Who is this now? 

Dokyeom. 

[ Kwan, something came up. Let's just move the movie night tomorrow. Really sorry. ] 

Came up? I mulled over for a second, before quickly replying to his message. Then, letting myself in the house. Warmth, phew. I took my shoes off, and placed them in the closet before I proceeded inside. At least I have time for drafting tonight. But, what came up? Ugh, I worry too much. Switching on the lights in the kitchen, I plopped my bag and the book on the counter top. I'm guessing chicken salad with radishes are for dinner. I pulled the door of the refrigerator, and hastily grabbed what I only need for the salad. Chicken breast, lettuce, cabbage, and the sauce. I cannot eat more than what I plan to. I've got enough fat as I already do. And where is my phone? The struggles of living on your own. God. 

I boiled the chicken first, then proceeded to chopping the vegetables. I'm on my own. Don't really need to cook fancy stuff. I don't even have a pet. I'm basically alone. Dokyeom sleeps over at times. But, under different circumstances, the four times a week sleepovers turned into "whenever I can" which was once in a blue moon now. Ever since Hanbyul, his niece started kindergarten. He carried the responsibilities of her. He's basically her second father by now. Proud of him really. The timer chimes, and the chicken was ready. Yey. I cut the few pieces of chicken, just the right amount. And mixed them all in one bowl. Then voila! Dinner is served. Nothing extravagant. 

I've been living alone for about.. 50% of my time being? Parents work abroad. They're researchers. They provide me everything too. House, even pay the bills. I have my share, but it's not that often. I don't have a job. I only rely on commissions that are asked of me. So, yeah. That's how I live. During middle school, I lived with my aunt up until sophomore year back in Jeju. I moved out right before my junior year and transferred, my parents had bought this house in this neighborhood. Here in Seoul. And lucky me, it was also the same time Seokmin and his family moved to Seoul. So, adapting got easier since I had them by my side. My other aunt lived here too, nothing really jeopardized my life. Except their culture which I didn't quite got the hang off during the start. All in all, life was okay. I have an older brother, Seungjun. He's an engineer. Civil engineer. Yet, he's based in Daegu. Nothing too major in that part. There's never really anything extravagant in my daily living. That's why I've solely focused on my future. Making sure everything is on place, before I fall into those shoes. Life is dull. My life is. I'm not one of those spoiled rich kids that everyone would stereotype on. I'm familiar with the cycle of life, and how the economy goes. I know how the what they call "real world" runs. My family have raised me to have a wandering mind, I wasn't spoiled. They made sure I knew balance, and empathy. That's why I'm grateful for them. Despite being born on a bed of silken cloth, I've never viewed the world and everyone else beneath me. It's what my mother and father had always told me. We're all equal. No more, no less. 

Independence is great, and all. 

But— _lonely_. 

I bit my lower lip as I felt a single twinge in my chest. After finishing my dinner, I cleaned the dishes. And washed up before helping myself to my study. Drafting it is. 

—


	2. I've Never Felt So Certain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pieces of long ago begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't beta'd. Might have a lot of errors.

**Morning daylight comes.**

The argon clock rings in the very demon cry. Fuck. And of course that'll be my first word for the day. I shift on my bed, reaching over to my nightstand to shut it down. Five thirty, gotta get up. I sat up straight, and stretched before I got out of bed. Let me see, what was I suppose to do today again? I grabbed my bullet journal and pen from my desk, and headed to the kitchen to have breakfast. 

Oatmeal. Yey. Low-fat milk, and blueberries. God, how many drafts have I finished? I literally burned the night's oil. My head is still so cloudy. Glancing down at my bullet journal, I pretty much have a lot of vacant time this day. Don't have constricting schedules or such. Movie night 2.0 is tonight, he better show up. 

**Seoul National University.**

Funny how he didn't ping me. 

Seungkwan finally gets to the university, as punctual as ever. For the last thirty minutes, he's been mulling over his pager. Not a single message from Dokyeom. Not even a text on his smartphone. It just pulls his strings whenever Seokmin would do this. And yet, he ignores it and sits himself in the class hall. “Morning, Kwankwan!” Soonyoung brightly greets him upon entering the room. “Morning,” he flatly replies. The gang was here and is complete, except for Dokyeom. He's never this late on Thursdays. “Seungkwan, we thought about going to this picture play later. Wanna join us?” Jisoo politely asks, facing him as well. “Uh, I can't. It's movie night tonight.” he peers, exchanging glances with Jisoo. The latter furrowed his brows at him in confusion, and asks “Wasn't movie night last night?” “Yeah, was supposed to be. Dokyeom couldn't make it, so we agreed to do it tonight.” Jisoo just nods in response. “Uh, can't you pass it up for another night, Kwannie? The picture play has quite a great show tonight.” Soonyoung pushes, the lad had always done this. He keeps on trying, yet Seungkwan just seems to keep on dodging it. Like right now. 

Seungkwan gazes at Soonyoung, and shows a small smile. “No, sorry. We don't break tradition, remember?” At this rate, Soonyoung just purses his lips and nods in response. Yeah, we don't. “Good morning, students.” the Professor comes in, and the whole class settles. Architectural design it is. 

\- - -

For the last two hours of lectures, the Professor had given the class a test plate. Kitchen, and a dining room floor plan. 

**Boo Seungkwan's POV.**

Why hasn't he called yet? Why is he absent? What the heck happened last night? At this damn rate, I've become a worry wart. This isn't the first time Seokmin suddenly goes silent. There were worst cases, and it didn't end quite well for him. I've finished sketching my floor plan, all I'll need is Professor Kang's signature. I dug for my pager in my pocket, and quickly sent a message to Seokmin. What in the world happened to him this time? “Seungkwan, can you hand me the 1:50 scale?” 

“Uh, yeah!” 

After I got Professor Kang's signature. I was quick enough to leave the hall. Why isn't he responding? I tried calling his smartphone. Yet, he couldn't be reached. Now I'm really worrying. “Seungkwan!” I spun around, oh— it was just Wonwoo. “Hey, what's up?” “here are the papers of the Shelter that our governor chose for the outreach program. He said we'd be starting to collect funds from all over campus starting Monday next week.” crap I forgot all about that. I nodded in response with a smile, and took the papers from him. “Thanks, I'll review this when I get home later.” I bade goodbye, and continued on. It's not entirely an outreach program. It's also a team building. The shelter our governor chose was the Jung Home For The Aged. It's similar to apprenticeships or extra curriculum activities, but not exactly compulsory. Just us volunteers and the uni-circle. 

I'm grabbing a snack first, then I'll be heading to Auntie Kahi's place. “Seungkwan?” and again, I spun around to whoever called me. “Oh! Jaehwan hyung!” God, it's been ages since I last saw him! “Kwannie! Holy blisters, it's really you!” He excitedly rushes over to me, and bear hugs me all at once. Excitement rushes to my head as I did the same. I really missed him. “Hoe! How have you been?” Jaehwan blatantly asks, he's still blunt as fuck what the hell? “I'm all good, in college now of course. How about you? How's life treating you and your nose?” two can play his A game. After all, I'm still that pricey with words. “Well, of course. I'm still me, but is rather—” “Hey! Let's grab a drink or snack first! I was about to get brunch anyways.” “okay, sure.” 

\- - - 

We both ended up in The Rainier, for the reason of me wanting to have a haute cuisine for some reason. Nothing major. Just tea, cakes, and macarons. “So, what's been going on with you?” Jaehwan hyung begins, gesturing me. I show a skeptic smile. “Please don't read me, hyung.” I know this guy, and his antsy displays or acts like this. The dumbass has been reading me since earlier, I can feel his darn eyes on me. Jaehwan hyung just chuckles, in a more embarrassed way and just nods. “Caught again. But, okay.” I thank him, and decided to just go for it. No hiding now. “Fine, since you've pretty much read me already. What can you see?” he sips his tea, before looking up at me. With those eyes trained on my very soul. “Something's changed in you, Boo.” he starts off, intertwining his fingers. That's pretty obvious. I nonchalantly nod in response. “Is something bothering you from your past?” the question didn't exactly startle me, but he's got it right. “Something like that.” he nods again. “Which part in the past?” Everything.. “nothing too major. Just minimal stuff.” what am I saying? “Boo, you know you—” “I'll be right back, I'm just going to add a new order.” abruptly cutting him off, I hurriedly rushed to the counter and tried calming my veins. Breathe, bitch. Breathe. I closed my eyes for a second, and thank goodness I felt more relaxed. I just can't really— contend with talks like that. Especially when the person is right. I've better get an additional flat white drink if I'm going to converse with Jaehwan like that— “Oh, sorry.” I was bumped. I looked back at the person who did. The person was wearing a hoodie with his head down as he apologized one more time. “I'm sorry. I lost my balance.” “it's alright.” I just sufficed. “Good morning, sir. What are you having?” the employee asks. “A venti flat white, with additional milk foam. Table number 17.” “Sure, sir. I'll just add it to your table number.” I paid for my order, and quickly retreated back to Jaehwan hyung. 

“Sorry, had to order another coffee.” 

“Seungkwan, at some point you have to surge forward, and do something about it.” and that moment. Those words. It struck me so hard. I gazed at him, and he had this stern look on face. God, why is so attentive? “What do you mean?” DONT. ADMIT. ANYTHING. “You've got to stop dwelling.” Dwelling? I gave him an expression as if he had everything wrong. And he clearly wasn't buying any of it. “Kwan, it wasn't your fault that time—” 

_“GET AWAY FROM ME!”_

What in the world? 

A screeching shout booms from the front doors. “What happened?” I and Jaehwan exchanged glances, before walking over to the counter. “Sir, are you alright?” A waiter all in concern asks, as he watched a scene unfold before him. “GET AWAY FROM ME!” the hooded guy from a while ago. He was on the floor, crouched in the farthest corner. Trembling, and hyperventilating. As he severely covered his eyes with the hood of his jacket. “Sir—” this time, I think this is the manager, tried approaching him. “NO! NO! NO! DON'T COME NEAR ME!” he screeches, his voice painfully breaking. “Sir, back away from him please!” Jaehwan hyung intervenes. Oh, right I forgot about him. “I'm a doctor.” yep he really is one. “What happened to him?” he questions the crowd. “I was taking his order, when suddenly screams and became like that!” The counter girl speaks, still mortified from the scene. “Seungkwan, get my bag.” he orders, and I immediately complied. 

What the fuck is happening?

“Mister? Sir? What's wrong?” He tries, carefully and slowly stepping closer to the man. “Seungkwan, hand me the syringe in the bag. Pocket on the left” what? SYRINGE? I acted fast, and grabbed the first thing my hand touches in the pocket. “Here.” he hastily takes it, hiding his right hand behind him. “THEY'RE HERE! THEY FOUND ME!” the man writhes, breaking into a helpless cry. “Who's there? Where are they?” Jaehwan hyung tries, his eyes focused on the man. “BEHIND YOU! GET AWAY!” he screeches. I watched intently, it's not every fucking day you'd see something like this. “Hey, come on. Look at me, only at me. I'll make them go away.” “NO! GO AWAY! DON'T TOUCH ME!” the man swiftly shoves Jaehwan hyung away before he could even inject the syringe. He runs away. 

“Hyung!” I surged forward, and helped him get back on his feet. Damn, that guy was manic.. “You alright, hyung?” I worriedly asked him, “Yeah, I am.” he sighs, and dusts himself. “Sir? What happened to that lad?” the manager concernedly questions, “The man wasn't mentally stable. He might've gone through a panic attack due to a mental problem he may have.” mental illness? “Thank you, sir.” after the commotion was cleared. Everyone, including us returned to our tables. Except me, who was still shaken from what I saw. “Hey, Seungkwan?” “Yeah?” Flinching on my seat, I glanced at him with eyes still focused. “you alright?” he asks, I vigorously nod in response. “Hyung, do you often encounter patients like that?” Curiously, I just had to. I mean, that was the first time I even saw someone like that. “Well, back in the ward. At times I do.” He replies, munching a piece of macaron in his mouth. “Why do you carry a syringe with you?”“Oh, that. That's just in case, I'd encounter a person on the street who may have cases like the fella earlier.” Damn, so even on a normal day there'd be chances he'd encounter people like that? “Aren't they dangerous?” he shakes his head in denial, “That person's case from earlier, I don't think he is. He was afraid even. I doubt he'd hurt anyone.”But, they're manic! They're basically dangerous without themselves in the right thinking. “That person looked quite young, probably adolescence. He was dealing with his hallucinations.” Adolescence? “What could've been his disease then?” I asked. “Well, there are a lot of possibilities actually. Delirium, Dimentia, he might also be under the influence of drugs, Schizoaffective disorder, Charles Bonnet's Syndrome, Anton's Syndrome and a lot more.” “What's do you think is his then?” 

“I'm not sure myself. But basing on what I may know, it can just be dementia, or worst schizoaffective disorder.” 

“Here take this.” He hands me two syringes. I carefully take them, and stared down. “Mental cases have raised the bar quite high already. It's best to be careful too.” I thank him, before shoving the two injections into my bag. “Here's my number too, to get in touch.” “So, how's you and Soonyoung?” Cracks. Of course he doesn't know. I sigh, and shook my head. “Me and Soonyoung had ended six months ago.” I flatly told him, taking a sip of my coffee. He sputters. Poor guy. “Oh, fuck—” he coughs. “I'm so sorry! I didn't know.” I just smile. Nobody really did. “What happened?” he asks. Didn't really expect to have this in a conversation. Phew— but alas, he has to know now. “Soonyoung, you know how we were in high school.” I cleared my throat, and loosened my collar for air. Damn, hot seat. “Yeah, you guys were literally like magnets. Inseparable as fuck.” That's true too. Soonyoung was my first boyfriend. I was his second. Everything was quite new to me at that time, that's why it was all fun with him. “Pretty much. We-ll, six months ago— he.. Uhm, met up with his ex-girlfriend. Because she got pregnant.” I swallowed lowly, “Wait, don't tell me the kid was Soonyoung's?” “Oh! No, no. He's not the father.” Hyung furrowed his eyebrows at me, yet still listened. “So, there. He helped his ex with everything. From medicines, to checkups, literally everything. He stood by her all the way.” At this rate, Jaehwan hyung had this sour expression on his face. “He told me beforehand of course, asking my permission and say on it. Of course, at first I wasn't really welcoming the thought,” I paused, and took a bite of the macarons in front of me. “But he kept pushing it on me, he literally didn't give me a choice. So, I told him that he can do whatever what he wants. He helped her, and there came the root of everything.” there's still this bitter aftermath in my tongue. Yes, I am over it. But, it just seemed so fucking planned. That sometimes the thoughts just come swirling in my head. “He no longer had time for me, yeah in class were together. But, it's still different. We no longer hung out that often, because he's tired from all the agendas he has. School, dance practice, his part-time job and his ex, Dahyun. We couldn't even talk that much, not even chatting. That kept up for over a month. Until,” fucking emotions. I heaved out a deep sigh, and showed him a half smile. I'm over it really, just.. Really feel wronged. “Until I bursted. We fought about it. So, damn hard. We shouted and argued. Even told me to understand him, then I brought Dahyun up. Stupid ol' me. It brought more hurt. Then, he said it. He couldn't leave her. I surrendered, and broke it off.” And only some closure came around about weeks later. Fucking idiot. “He begged me to stay. For days. But— I just didn't want to be with someone who's still hung up on their past love.” “God, Boo..” Jaehwan hyung cooed, and looked at me with such pity. “Now, he's dating a girl. From the Fine Arts section in school.” 

“Soonyoung, I swear I'll use a fucking pickaxe to murder him. That idiot..” I smiled at his response. Jaehwan hyung was my closest upperclassmen. He was also the bridge for me and Soonyoung. “Nah, it's alright now. We're friends.” Not exactly my idea to befriend him still. But, can't really help not befriending him, since we're classmates. “well, how about you? Are you dating anyone new?” He asks, and I shook my head in denial. “I don't think I will be for a while.” I'm on a break from dating. Self love and care is better than getting unnecessary stress from someone who is suppose to love you endlessly. We moved on to another topic, I learned that Jaehwan hyung is now a junior psychiatrist in Sword & Cross Institution. A really great ward for people with mental disorders, also is a rehabilitation center. He's still together with Wonshik hyung too. I envy their relationship, it's basically perfection. Wonshik hyung a really understanding person, with how he put up with Jaehwan hyung all these years. “Marriage is already on the roll, but we're not rushing—” and there goes my pager. 

I fished for the beeper in my pocket, and checked the message. This better be from Seokmin, or else I'm bolting to his house. 

[ Kwan, srry I didnt ping you. Movie night @ your place by 7. I bought the snaccs ]

“It's Dokyeom.” “Oh, how is he?” mysterious all of a sudden, I can barely even remember the time we properly even spoke about our lives. “He's still the same. Good ol' Seokmin.” I responded, half coughing up the supposedly good words I could think of. “That's great that you two are still together, most friendships don't even last that long.” he says, and I just nod along.

After my mini Réunion with Jaehwan hyung. We bade goodbye to each, and exchanged all possible information to keep in touch. It'll be good for my psychological being to be around people who I can actually confide with, rather than talk to books at home. I didn't really feel like going home just yet, and it's still pretty early. I don't even need to go to my second class, the professor is out of town 'til the end of this week. Oh, right. I've got to send Doks a ping. Movie nights. He better fucking show up or else he can forget he even had a best friend. 

I stopped by the book store, and I think I'll spend half of the day here. “Oh, Seungkwan-ssi you're early today.” Mr. Ku greets, as he does his usual afternoon papers. “Good afternoon, sir. You wouldn't mind me spending the afternoon here.” I smiled, and he just chuckled in his response. “Even if you'd live here, it's all good.” he jokes, and I couldn't help but smile. Living in a darn book store with mounds of new deliveries of books every week. That's heaven. “Do you need any help in the stock room? Or wrapping? Organizing? Arrangements?” “Oh, not yet I fear. Ad since you're here, I have someone I'd like you to meet.” Who? He drops his newspaper, and daintily rings the bell on the counter. “Come here, come here.” he calls, and quickly motions a tall man. The man had his head down, as he hastily walked up to Mr. Ku. “Seungkwan-ssi, this is my newest employee. You might have met him already though?” Who is he— my eyes trained on the lad. When he looks up, I felt my breath go short. He's.. An outlander— a galvanizing man too. “Introduce yourself, lad.” Mr. Ku says.

“Hah—Hi, I'm Vernon.” 

He skittishly spoke, and bows. “Hi, I—I'm Boo— I mean, Seungkwan.” I nervously stated, and smiled at him. To which he immediately returned with his own grin. “It's a pleasure to finally meet you.” fuck that voice, it's so deep. “Nice to meet you too.” goddamn, speak more articulated. “Now, why don't you assist Vernon in the inner library, Seungkwan-ssi? And show him how the job's really done.” I shot a glance at Mr. Ku, with eyes wide. He just nods, and motions us both to carry on. “Of course. Uh.. Let's go!” What. The. Fuck? "Let's go"? Is that the best you can do? Fuck this shit. Vernon nods, and follows along. I am saying it right, right? 

We entered the inner library, still dim shit. Mr. Ku hasn't replaced the fluorescent light yet. “So, uh.. I heard you're in college?” he startled me. I don't know, but I find it odd that he even have the guts to come up with a conversation that fast? “Uh, yeah. I'm a freshman architecture student.” I flatly responded, moving around the area. “You're.. You're the one from yesterday, aren't you?” I directly asked, I heard him chuckle; making me glance at him. “Yeah, it was me.” knew it! “Did you start the book?” he suddenly asks. “Yeah, I read a few pages last night already. It's actually in my bag.” I replied whilst opening a fresh box, filled with new deliveries of books. “Oh, right. You can go grab a book cart, we'll be loading them up with these.” “Okay, okay.” he answers, and quickly runs to get one. 

_Damn. He's.. Cute. So fucking attractive._

“Here.” he returns, pushing a cart along. “I'm guessing those go in the geographical station?” he shoots, and I nod in response. “Yeah, first level would be geographical. Then, on the second load it with another genre. Maybe.. Poetry.” I told him, and opened another box. “I'll help.” he says, and swiftly grabs six books all at once. Alright, Boo. Talk. Fucking speak. “Hey, uh.. What do you major in?” I tried. I tried. I tried. “Oh, school? I'm home schooled. I'm taking up e-learning classes. I currently don't major on anything yet.” Home-schooling. That figures his bluntness then. I load up more books, all in order too. “Are you.. American?” oh my God. What is this? 20 questions? “Half. My mom is.” 

“That's cool, living in America must've been amazing.” 

“Ah, I guess.” he shortly replies, piling up the books. “Let's go fix these in the shelves.” he nods, and pulls the cart. “I'll do it.” damn. Aren't you a sight. “You have pretty eyes.” I flinched. Excuse my nose, what'd you say? “Me?” I sputtered. And he nods. “You have pretty eyes.” I felt my cheeks burn. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. Keep calm, Kwan. Fucking calm. “Tha—Thank you,” I timidly told him. “Yu—You too, you have pretty eyes. I mean well, I—I meant cool! Or defined? Eyes. Yeah.” WHAT WAS THAT? Goddamn. This is the worst. “I get it, thank you.” he smiles. Shit. 

I returned it with a tremulous smile of my own. “Here we are,” we stopped by the geographical section first. “We'll be arranging the books by author.” I told him, and he nods. As he picks up several books in the cart and carefully examines every piece. “Albertalli, Aslan, Atler,” that's fucking fast. Well, he is half English. When I did this it nearly took me the whole day alphabetizing every darn shelf. “I'll help.” I timidly told him, and he shakes his head in rejection. “I'll do it. You'll just be guiding me, remember?” he blatantly tells me. And I nod in response. I'd literally give anything to be able to have a friend— or something like that— like him. 

**End of Boo Seungkwan's POV.**

The latter stood next to Vernon, eyes trained on the specimen as he watched him arrange the books. Mindlessly staring, yet he could care less. Vernon knew this as well, and in fact did enjoy the attention. But, he didn't give in, and kept doing his work. And just as Vernon finished the entire section. Boo Seungkwan's pager went on with numerous vibrations. “Excuse me,” he tells him, before taking out his beeper. 

[ YO! KWAN! I FUCKING GOT CHEESECAKE!! ] 

[ TWO OF THEM, GODDAMN WE'RE LUCKY ] 

[ BE SURE TO FREAKING SET THE TELEVISION!!! ] 

The excited messages lit a smile on Seungkwan's face. Dokyeom never fails to do the impossible. “Still got two hours.” Seungkwan mutters, more to himself. “Two hours for what?” Vernon suddenly asks, as he stood up to push the cart to the poetry section. “Two hours before I head home.” Seungkwan replies, and the latter just nods. “What kind of genre of books do you prefer?” Vernon tilts his head a little, mulling over the question. “Ah, I mostly prefer reference books or educational purposes. But, I do like science fiction or fantasy.” Seungkwan gasps in awe, he must be a closet genius or something. Vernon just smiles, and stops by the next shelves. “I actually prefer YA books, fan—” “Fantsy too, but mostly you just really prefer YA.” Vernon suffices, which partially startles Seungkwan. He glances at Vernon with the most shock expression you'll ever see on him. How'd he know that? Seungkwan nervously chuckles, but he was still taken back. “I see you everyday here. It'll either be at the YA section, or the fantasy area. Sometimes you're here in the poetry section too,” Vernon says, his grin not fading. Seungkwan just nods his head, yet with an amused smile to show. It's nice too, that someone noticed. “Yeah, funny you even heed my routine.” Vernon smiles even wider. “It's not hard to.” this sent another rush of blood to Seungkwan's head. After they arranged all the books on the shelves. Going back and forth to the inner library, they finally finished restocking. Of course, there conversations never really ended. Although, it did pull a few curiosity strings. Seungkwan was surprised that Vernon sort of knew several things about him. He just— didn't see it coming. “So, Sofia lives with you here in Seoul?” Seungkwan asks, eyes fixated on the pages of the book he was reading. He waited for an answer, yet after quite a long pause. He gazed at Vernon. And it worried him. “Vernon?” he calls out. The man was frozen, and he was staring at a direction in the open. He was breathing hard. Nearly trembling. “Vernon?” Seungkwan tries again. This time it worked. He budged. “U—Uh, yeah?” Vernon replies, his voice straining. He looks away, and shakes his head several times. “Are you alright?” Seungkwan asks, with concern in his voice. The latter looks at him, and stares. Something is not right. Vernon then glances behind Seungkwan. Oh, no. Not now. He gulps, and forces his eyes shut. “Hey, is everything alright?” Seungkwan places his right hand on Vernon's shoulder and examines him. The latter was sweating, and breathing rather sparsely. Was he having an allergic reaction? “Su—Seungkwan, I—I'll be right ba—back.” Vernon manages to croak out, before he shrugs Seungkwan's hand off his shoulder and canons away. 

Was there something I said? 

It baffled Seungkwan. Why'd he run away? 

After thirty minutes or so, it was already 5:43. He had to leave. Vernon didn't exactly return either. This added more anxiousness to him, where'd he go? Seungkwan stood up, and geared up to leave. “I'll be taking off, Mr. Ku!” he says, and bades goodbye. “Oh! Seungkwan-ssi!” Mr. Ku shouts, and stops him. “Vernon says he's sorry he had to leave. His asthma suddenly sparked again.” Ooh, that explains! Worried even more, Seungkwan's eyes doubled at what he heard. “Is he gonna be alright? He seemed petrified earlier.” Mr. Ku just nods. “Yes, he will. I sent him on a cab home too.” Seungkwan was able to breathe easier. He no longer worried that he may have said something to make Vernon leave. “Thank heavens then, I'll be leaving now, sir.” he bades goodbye, and goes on his way home. 

_Damn, he has asthma._

\- - - 

Seungkwan gets home just in time. He has enough time to set up the television, and wash up too. He checks his pager, and reads the messages that came from earlier. 

One from Soonyoung, Dokyeom and Jisoo. 

[ Kwannie, wanna get coffee tomorrow? ] 

[ KWAN I'M OTW ] 

[ Seungkwan, can I borrow your picnic basket? I need to do something on Saturday, and it'll really come in handy. Please, thank you. ] 

He replies to every single message, except Soonyoung's. As the usual goes on. He enters the house, and takes off his shoes first, then his coat. He let's his mind wander off a little bit, at first he was mindfully thinking of his parents who are currently in Japan. Last time he spoke to them was last Tuesday. They told they'd send him half of what they got in Tokyo. It made him really happy too, that he's able to communicate so well with them, though he does miss his parents, his entire family who are in Jeju-do. Even his former neighbors. He smiles at the memories that came back, he misses the cool breeze and open fields. He misses home. 

He prepares the drinks, the other snacks, and lastly. He arranges the darn TV. And just as he places everything on the coffee table in his living room. The doorbell goes on. “KWAN! KWAN! KWAN!” he hears Dokyeom's screeching voice. “Ah, that guy.. A goddamn noise pollution. Wait!” he opens the door, “HEY! I BROUGHT TWO CHEESECAKES!” was the first fucking shout that greeted him. “Where'd you buy them?” Seungkwan asks, as he eyes the delicious boxes in delight. “Auntie Sohye had them on sale! For a huge marked down price! Can you even believe how lucky we are?” he giddily explains as they entered the kitchen. “Yeah, and I'm going to be gaining a lot of pounds because of this.” Seungkwan says, mortified. “Yeah, and they all lead to your face and ass.” Dokyeom snorts, earning a slap on the arm from Kwan. “Shut up, asshat.” he snaps, and opens the first box of blueberry cheesecake. “Isn't this heaven?” he coos, and drools at the sight of such perfection. “Where'd you put the chinas?” Dokyeom asks, emerging from the bathroom all changed into his comfy home clothes. “Oh, I washed them. They're in the dishwasher.” Seungkwan replies, licking the creamcheese off his finger. “Doks,” he calls. “Yeah?” Dokyeom replies, setting the plates on the counter. “Why didn't you get to class today?” Seungkwan asks. Of course he would. “Oh right! I was on delivery duty today.” Dokyeom says heading to the living room first. Seungkwan just nods, but he wasn't entirely buying up the excuse he was given. “Let's get this hangout started!” Dokyeom shouts, settling himself on the couch. “We definitely need to re-watch Lucifer.” Dokyeom tells Seungkwan, as he opens Netflix. “Oh come on, you said we'd watch John Wick.” Seungkwan caterwauls, placing the cake down. “How about this, let's just watch Scarlet Heart Ryeo?” Dokyeom suggests, to which Seungkwan just rolled his eyes at. “I am not going to stress myself out again on that drama!” He snaps, making Dokyeom clap in amusement. “Oh, good that you want to watch it then.” Seungkwan sighs in defeat. He can never win on arguments concerning TV shows with Dokyeom. 

“Oh right, I met Jaehwan hyung on the street today.” Seungkwan says, as the introduction of the drama started. “Really? Which hospital is he in?” Dokyeom asks, slicing him and Seungkwan a piece of cake. “Thank you,” the latter tells him, “Sword & Cross Institution.” “Oh yeah! Forgot that guy's a doctor of the brain.” Dokyeom replies, mouthing off the cheesecake. “And you know what happened, today? There was this man who went manic at the coffee shop earlier.” Seungkwan says, eyes focused on the screen. “Manic? Like mental breakdown?” 

“Yeah, he was thrashing and screaming. It scared the shit out of me.” he said, and the statement sent Dokyeom laughing. “You are shit though.” he guffaws, earning another smack from Seungkwan. “Fuck off. Jaehwan hyung even tried communicating with the guy. He had a darn syringe with him!” he exclaims, yet didn't look away from the TV whilst eating his cake. “That's expected. He's a damn psychiatrist, who works in the mental ward.” Dokyeom replies. Even hissing at the sight of Lee Jieun's character falling into the lake. “I also met someone I may have a crush on, in the book shop.” 

Here it goes. 

Dokyeom sputters. “WHO?” he chokes out, the idiot nearly dropping his plate. “BE FUCKING CAREFUL. THOSE ARE CHINA.” Seungkwan snaps, as he glared daggers at Seokmin. “He's a half-breed.” Dokyeom stares, and anticipatingly nods. “He's just our age, and he's actually home schooled.” “Then he doesn't major on anything?” Dokyeom asks, and Seungkwan shakes his head on denial. “Does he look neat? Good manners? Humorous? Empathetic?” When did this turn into 20 questions? “Yes, he cleans up well actually. Manners, yes. Surprisingly great, considering he's half American. Humorous, haven't exactly seen it. But empathetic I could say.. Kinda?” hestinant in his voice, since he's not sure. But at least he got them right. Dokyeom smiles, and nods in agreement. “Then, you can date him. Though, I was expecting you to get a girl this time though.” Seungkwan sputters. “Oh, come on. I haven't even got to know him that much. And, yeah— I expected myself to date a girl this time.” My bisexual ass is quaking. “then get to know him, smart-ass! That's the purpose of communication!” Dokyeom snarks, as he gets himself another slice. “Yeah, we'll see. Tomorrow's a Friday anyways. We only have geology, technical graphics, and social arts for the morning.” “You filling in for the council meeting in the afternoon?” Dokyeom asks, “Yeah. There's a lot of arrangements for the apprenticeship next month.” 

“I'm going to get some milk.” Seungkwan says, “Me too!” hopping off the couch and heading to the kitchen. He grabs the milk carton, and gets a glass from the cobbers. Whilst he was pouring himself a glass, something caught his eye. A flash of light. He flinches, quickly glancing at the window. What was that? He questions, as he gazed outside. Must've been some random street light. He pushes himself to believe that, before returning to the living room. But could he? 

“What's with the face? It's like you've seen a ghost.” Dokyeom teases, taking the glass from him. “Ah, nothing.” he tells him, as he ignored what he saw earlier. 

_What the hell was that?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sLOW af sorry

**Author's Note:**

> ya'll can please comment your thoughts on it. Pretty please.


End file.
